"Congrats on beating infertility!" was the first line of the email I opened. The words, unintentionally no doubt, stung my heart. True, we now had a child in our arms but our battle of infertility was far from conquered. I thought back to a time when we had first entertained the thought of adoption. We sat in a room with other hopeful adoptive parents and the words, "Adoption is a “cure” for childlessness, but not for infertility." Showed on the screen up front.
Our journey started the moment we first hoped we were pregnant. Through Doctor appointments, medications, tears and prayers, we clawed our way through the cruel world of unexplained infertility for years. It broke us and created us over and over again. Our heartaches often felt unbearable as we watched so many young couples start their families, leaving us behind in the dust.
The decision to adopt came suddenly but not quickly. So many life events had prepped our minds and our hearts for the next chapter in our lives. The idea had been tucked away in the corner of our minds for a long time. After yet another infertility heartbreak, we suddenly knew it was time to change direction in our attempt to build a family.
There were parts of adoption that I knew would heal my heart. I also knew however, there would be parts that would trigger the grief of infertility.
I may never know what it's like to feel my baby kick inside of me. I may never feel the strength of a woman who just delivered a sweet and precious babe. I may never get to breast feed or see if my child inherits the weird fold at the top of mine and my grandma's ear. I'd be lying if I said I haven't grieved those things. It's vulnerable to admit those thoughts. I worry what others might think. I pray it doesn't come off as ingratitude for our journey, for adoption, for our son's birth mom, for our boy.
Infertility is an ugly club that no one wants to be part of. It gnaws at every ounce of light and glimmer of hope. It raises self awareness to all insecurities and imperfections. It is a battle as fierce as any other and those that are facing it are true warriors.
No, we have not "beat" infertility and the pains may, at times, sneak in unannounced for the rest of forever. But we are no longer fighting. We have surrendered to the will of our God. We are embracing a life we never knew we'd have! How wonderful is His plan and how great is His word.
Our journey is one of many facets strung together in an integral manner. Our plan is to move forward with faith and trust that everything is exactly as it should be, while allowing ourselves the grace to grieve when needed.
Between infertility, childlessness, and adoption, we will forever be grateful for the lessons we have learned along the way.
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